Shadows and Light

When I was growing up, my grandparents had this amazing house in the suburbs of Toronto, Canada.  When I say it was a mansion, I'm not exaggerating. I had a friend come and stay with me there one time and they kept worrying they were going to get lost on the way back from the kitchen.  My favorite area of the house was the top floor. An entire level dedicated to their love of growing plants.  It was 360 degrees of windows that gave a breath-taking view of the surrounding area.  The house sat on a hill and on a clear day you could see downtown Toronto miles away.  I used to love sitting up there with my cousins and watching storms blow through. You could see the lighting strikes all around you from the safety of this glass room.  My next favorite feature was an incredible spiral staircase that ran from the top to the basement.  The crowning feature was a marble fountain at the bottom of the stairs.  We used to drop pennies from the top floor down to the bottom and try not to hit the copper spouts so Grandma wouldn't find us.  Not all the memories are great though.  There were some times that I was downright freaked out in that house.  There was the time two of my cousins and I stayed home from some event while the rest of the family went out.  I was sick upstairs in one of the bedrooms at the end of at a long hallway. My cousins apparently didn't know I was there, because all of a sudden I hear them systematically throwing doors open and yelling in each room coming down the hallway. They finally made it to my room and jumped into the room holding pool cues and screaming hysterically at the would be intruder.  I'm pretty sure they were more scared than any robber they could have found would have been.

But my worst memory of this great house came in the form of a picture. I know, weird. My mom had five sisters so when everyone came together for Christmas you crashed where you could find empty space. When I was little, that meant the floor in my parent's room.  That particular room was downstairs at the far end away from everything and everyone else. It was Aunt Doreen's room. That was my mom's sister who was still living at home when the house was built. But year after year I would find myself on the floor of this room. It had large sliding glass doors that led out to the pool in the backyard and on nights with a full moon the light would stream in through those doors.  As that light would come through the curtains it would cast shadows on the wall and on particularly on this one picture frame. For some reason I could never remember to look at this picture with the lights on so I could remember the image. Instead, the lights would go out and the moon would shine in and the shadows would turn that picture into the scariest thing this 5-7 year old boy had ever seen.  I would lay awake at night in the quiet of that room staring at what seemed to be some dark and shadowy figure laughing at me from up on the wall. Year's later as a teenager I would actually move into that house for a short time to live. It was during that season of my life that I finally got up the nerve to go in that room and look at that picture that had haunted me for all those years.

It was a picture of two flowers. That was what had scared me for years. Two flowers.

The thought of that picture and the laughing shadow monsters came back to my memory a little while ago when I was reading a very familiar passage of scripture.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalms 23:4)

I read these verses that I've read a hundred times in my life and a thought hit me.  How many times do we feel like we are going through "the valley of the shadow of death"? I know even recently for me I have felt that way. It just seemed like everywhere I looked I saw problems. Big problems, small problems. They were everywhere. I fell into funk. I mean a deep, dark, shadowy funk. One might go as far as to say I became depressed. That kind of feeling where you don't want to be around people. See the problem with being a pastor is that when you are around people they want to talk and because you are a pastor, they usually want to talk about their problems. I had enough problems of my own. I didn't want to hear about anyone else's problems. People wanted to talk about their lives and what they should do to be closer to God. What did God want them to do in ministry? How should they get more involved at the church? And to be honest, I couldn't answer any of those questions for myself. How was I supposed to answer them for someone else? I felt like I was in the "valley of the shadow of death." I felt dead inside. I felt dead spiritually. I felt dead emotionally. I felt dead physically. I just felt dead.

I tried to pray but couldn't get the words to come out right. I tried to read the bible but the words just ran together. God was there. I knew that because I was still operating in ministry. I would beg and plead with God whenever I had to teach a bible study or preach a sermon. When someone finally cornered me to ask a question, I would go into inner prayer mode and beg God to give me something to say. Not because I didn't want to look like an idiot but because I knew people needed to hear something from God. I've been around ministry my whole life and I know that I don't have anything intelligent to say on my own. I know people don't need to hear from me, they need to hear from God. So I would hit my inner knees and petition the throne of God for mercy and grace for this poor soul who ended up coming to me. People would comment later on how what I said was exactly what they needed to hear and breathe a sigh of relief that God had bailed me out. It was frustrating because I felt like God was giving me answers for other people but I still couldn't get answers for my own life. I found myself wanting to quit ministry because I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. I became afraid to speak up in meetings. When my pastor would ask for advice I was very non-committal in my answers because my confidence was gone. It was hiding somewhere in the shadows. I tried desperately to hide in background. In the dark corners of the room, hoping no one would call on me. But that just made things worse. I was at war with myself. I've never been able to do anything well that I'm not passionate about and I'd lost my passion somewhere in the shadow.  I felt stuck in ministry. I didn't want to be doing what I was doing but I didn't see a way out. God wasn't opening doors and I suddenly felt claustrophobic in my responsibilities. I lost my ability to communicate well. I lost my creativity. I lost my patience. I was losing it altogether.

I knew God was there but I was seriously losing sight of Him.  I just couldn't see Him in anything that was happening around me.  I would try committing to more time with Him. More bible reading. More prayer. I would even attempt fasting in the hopes it would force God to show up out of some sense of obligation to my efforts.  These were all things that worked in the past but they all seemed to fall short somehow. I was stuck in the valley. The shadows were growing darker. I was growing tired. Scared. Lonely. Desperate.

I ended up at a conference in Dallas, TX. The hotel we were staying at had an outdoor pool on the roof of the fourth floor. I had brought my wife and kids with me and of course the kids wanted to spend every spare moment in the pool. The hotel we were staying in was surrounded by other tall hotels and office building all around us.  The buildings cast shadows on the deck of the pool and catching a glimpse of the sun came as a rarity. While I was sitting out there watching the kids play in the water, people would come and go in the sitting area. The water was surrounded by these great lounge chairs and many people came to just hang out and talk. At one point two young women came and took up residence on a couple of chairs in the same row as mine. They sat and talked, laughing and enjoying the time together.  The entire deck was covered in shadows, even though it was quite warm on this July day in Texas. Suddenly, the sun moved round the corner of the building and for the first time since I had been on that rooftop there was light.  The shadows from the building were split in two and the sun was shining on the other side of the water. As soon as the brightness washed across those lounge chairs, the two young ladies who had been perfectly content to sit in the shade and relax got up. They gathered their towels, their phones and drinks and moved toward the sunlight. They had been okay with being in the shadows until they saw the light. It was the sun that compelled them to move. It was the expectation of warmth, of greater comfort.
It was in that moment I felt God speak to me. This was the revelation that came.

He's there.

He's in the shadows.

I looked up to the sky and saw clouds moving across the sun. I looked back down at the water my son was splashing around in and saw the light reflect off the waves. The reflection would come and go as the clouds moved across the sun. First brightness, then shadows. But as I watched the sky I realized something. No matter how dark the shadows were on the ground, I could always see the light on the other side of the clouds. In fact, a simple yet life-altering truth occurred to me in that moment. There can be no shadows without light. You know what the definition of a shadow is according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary?

Shadow: a dark shape that appears on a surface when someone or something moves between the surface and a source of light

 Shadows only exist because the light is there. Throughout my life and in very recent times I have found myself lost in what I felt was a valley surrounded by "shadows of death."  But in that pool side moment God made Himself clear to me.  The same way clouds and buildings block out the sun and cause its warmth to disappear momentarily, there are people and things that appear in our lives and would try to keep us from the warmth of God's love. They can try to block the light from showing us the path to follow when making decisions. The shadows can cause us to lose hope, to feel alone, to grow cold. Sometimes the scariest shadows are caused by things we do in our own lives that keep the pure light from shining in. Instead that light is filtered and dim like the sun through a curtain creating monsters out of flowers.

What was revealed to me that day was this. God is always there. Even when problems and people try to block Him out, He's there illuminating in His Glory. It's funny how even on the darkest stormiest days now, I realize that above those clouds, the sun still shines or I wouldn't be able to see anything. Sure it may be darker than normal, but I know the sun is still there. I can see it through the dark clouds. God is there. Even on my dark days. Even when there doesn't seem to be an answer. Even when it seems everything around me is closing in, I've learned to look up. To look through the shadows.  I'm not saying it's easy but I can say it's easier. Every time I see a shadow or dark cloud now I smile. I smile because I know the sun is still up there or the shadow wouldn't exist. When problems come and they still come, I'm learning to smile more because I know the Son is still there. There is still light. He is still lighting my path. I'm focusing more on a different part of the that verse now.

Yea, though I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear NO evil;
FOR YOU ARE WITH ME;
Your rod and Your staff, they COMFORT me. (Psalms 23:4)

The shadow monsters on the walls turn out to be flowers once you let the light in.

Fire Fall Down

For those of you who don't know, Fire Fall Down are lyrics to one of my favorite songs.  Hopefully, I didn't just break some copyright law by naming my post that.  To warn you, this post is kind of raw and I've not really dwelt on it a whole bunch. I'm more "shooting from the hip" as they say, but hopefully it will resonate with someone.

Yesterday I was reading 1 Chronicles 21 where David has committed the sin of numbering the people. God moves swiftly in his judgment and discipline of David.  Soon David is instructed to build and altar to the Lord on the threshing floor of Ornan (how's that for a name). When David approaches Ornan, the man is very quick to offer everything he has to David free of charge. David replies back to him that he cannot offer something to God that didn't cost him anything.  He buys everything from Ornan so that  he can build the altar and give the wheat offering.  This is usually where I stop in the story.  I've always loved the words of David here in vs. 24.  "I will surly buy it for the full price, for I will not take what is yours for the Lord, nor offer burnt offerings with that which costs me nothing."  I

It's like when I told my son one time that if he didn't listen and obey what I said, he was going to lose his Wii privileges.  His response was, "but I can still play my DS right?"  He was okay with the terms of the agreement because, in his mind, he wasn't really going to be sacrificing anything. Needless to say, he lost the Wii, and the DS right then and there.  Daddy don't play that game.

But how often are we willing to give God certain areas of our lives that aren't really a sacrifice to us.  That would be like me falling down at the altar and telling God that I will never drink again.  I've never drank before, I don't plan on taking it up, so it's not really that big of a sacrifice. It wouldn't really cost me anything to give it up.  David recognized the fact that he had sinned and to make this right, it was going to cost him something. 

I said earlier that this is where I usually stop in the story but I continued on yesterday.  This is what I saw.  David offered the sacrifice on the altar. God responded with FIRE FROM HEAVEN.  The thought grabbed me, when we offer something to God that doesn't cost us anything, why would He want to accept that.  God sending down the fire was the sign to David that the sacrifice was acceptable. That song we sing suddenly burst into my head:

Fire fall down
Fire fall down
On us we pray
As we seek
Fire fall down
Your fire fall down
On us we pray

We pray for God's fire, but what are we offering?  Is it worthy of God's fire? David offered this sacrifice out of a heart that was pleading for God's favor to end the plague that he had brought on the people of Israel.  It made me think of what am I seeking God for and in return offering nothing. At least nothing that is of real cost or sacrifice to me. God's fire is a Holy response from a Holy God. I can't expect to do nothing and God respond. I can't expect to give a little and God to pour out all of His great power.  I've got to ask the questions: "Am I really seeking Him, His favor, and His love?" Or. Do I just want Him to show up when I ask Him to with no questions asked? 

I don't know, it challenged me.  God looks at your heart. He knows if you are sincerly seeking after Him.  That Fire isn't just going to fall, it's going to cost you.  But not what you think maybe.  I believe He looked at David's heart and saw a man that was desperate to be right with God. A man the was in pursuit of Him. What does He see when He looks at your heart?

Cloudy with a chance of Jesus

I'm currently serving as Campus Pastor for a new campus plant in White House, TN which is located about an hour and a half from my house.  The Sunday morning service starts at 10:00am, which means I leave my house each week at 6:30am.  (By the way, a greater testimony of my love for Jesus could not be shown. To say I'm not a morning person is an understatement.) My wife, Joy, recently gave birth to the newest edition of our family.  A perfect little boy named Judah.  So for the last few weeks I've been making the drive each weekend with just me and my other two children.  It's the beginning of January as I write this, so as you know it's still quite dark at 6:30am.  A couple of weeks ago Issac and I were driving to White House. I had woken him up and dragged him off the top bunk of his bed. After pushing him around the house to get him clean, dressed and somewhat presentable, we were on the road.  As we were traveling he started to wake a little more, which for Isaac means he's about to start talking...and he's not going to stop.  I actually really enjoy these little drives with him because it has created a lot of great opportunities to teach him about the things of God. Sometimes it's the lyrics of a song, sometimes it's something he heard at church or something someone said.  Inevitably though, I know I'm going to get questioned about something.  This particular day he looks out the window and asked why I woke him up in the middle of the night. (It was just before dawn when we left the house.) I explained it wasn't the middle of the night but that the sun was about to come up.  We drove for a few minutes and as it began to brighten outside of his window, I saw him look out the front past me. "Where's the sun?" he asked. It was overcast that day and was probably going to rain later so I told him; "it's there, you just can't see it."  This sparked a long discussion about the sun and the clouds. I assured him the sun was there even though it seemed hidden.  I told him how we wouldn't be able to see anything if the sun wasn't there.  It may be cloudy, and cold but the sun was still there.  He got quiet after that and all of a sudden he shouts, "there it is." He point out the passenger side window at a beam of light cutting through the clouds. I'm not completely sure, but I think he didn't believe me until he saw the sun for himself.  But then, he always thinks he knows more than me.  He is almost 8 after all.

I started thinking that day about what we were talking about and honestly hadn't given it much thought until today.  I was reading the story of Noah and I doubled back on the story because I wanted to make sure I was remembering right.  I've always been amazed by the story of Noah.  Read Genesis chapter 6 sometime.  God asks Noah to build a ridiculously huge boat, in the middle of dry land. He tells him a flood is coming...there's never been a flood before. He says everyone will be destroyed.  Imagine this!  There is no context for what God is telling Moses.  When we read a news article, or even watch movies and television our brain is affected by the idea of context.  Because we have seen or heard things before, it allows us to relate to what we are seeing, hearing or reading better.  For example, if I'm reading a story about being at a baseball game and they describe the crack of the bat, my mind immediately comprehends what is being said. I get transported there.  Noah had never seen a flood. It had never even rained before. Now God is describing a flood.  What is going through his mind?  But the last verse of that chapter simply says; "Thus Noah did; according to all that God commanded him, so he did."  It amazes me!

But now fast forward a little. Noah built the ark. He's got this monstrous boat sitting in his front yard. God speaks again and says a bunch of animals are on their way. Put them in the boat because in seven days the flood is coming.  So Noah does it.  Then, sure enough, it starts to rain. And it rains. And rains. And rains.  This is that part that I went back to read.  There was a window.  Why is that important?  Can you imagine being inside that boat listening to it rain and suddenly feel it go from sitting on dry ground to all of a sudden floating?  Imagine this family huddled together in safety but probably still a little in awe of what was happening. Wouldn't you be tempted to look out the window? To try to catch a glimpse of what was happening.  What would they have seen? Would they have seen homes being destroyed? People drowning as the last piece of dry land gets swallowed by the waters? What about the feeling of looking out the window and seeing nothing but water?  There is nothing we have ever experienced that can put that into context for us. 

As I read it today though I thought of the conversation between me and Isaac.  Is the sun still there even when you can't see it, or feel it's warmth?  When the clouds are blocking you from seeing the source of the light, is there still light?  The answer of course is "YES".  But how often do we feel lost and alone because we can't "see" God? Have you ever faced a tragedy and struggled to find meaning, or purpose or even to find peace and comfort? I'm sure we all have.  We've probably all had something happen in our lives that we had no context for. We had never been through it. For some of you it may be happening right now.  You feel like you are spinning trying to find direction. You are looking out the "window" and all you see is tragedy, hopelessness, and darkness.  I'm telling you, God is still there.  Even in the midst of darkness, Jesus is that light that shines in the darkness. I know that sounds corny and I even deleted it and rewrote it...twice. Because it's true.  Isaac wanted to see the sun so that he knew it was there. I kept telling him, we wouldn't be able to see out the window if it wasn't there, just beyond the clouds.  Whatever you are going through right now you need to realize, it's not as dark as it seems.  God is there, He's never left you.  He might be harder to see because of the clouds, but He's still there. 

The bible provides context in our lives.  It's because of what we have seen God do in the past that we know He can do it for us as well.  Know this, God prepared Noah before tragedy struck.  He had him build the ark, he had him bring his family in to keep them safe.  He even had him bring the animals in because before it ever happened He had a plan on how they would rebuild.  Your problems may come as a surprise to you, but they are not for God.  He wants to work everyday of your life to prepare you for anything the devil may throw at you.  That way, when the wind blows, the rain falls, and the sky looks dark you can look out the window and know that even though you can't see that Son, He's still there.